I spent a lot of time growing up in the church. I remember many years of Bible class at the private Baptist school I attended, doodling on the bulletin during Saturday night church, hanging out at the Wednesday night youth groups. I read my Bible and had a close relationship with God during those years. I was baptized in front of the church during middle school. As I grew older and the church I attended cycled through several pastors, our youth groups fell apart and my friends started going in different directions, and I transitioned to public high school, I started to fall away from God. 

I kept an on and off again attitude towards God all through out college. I only read my Bible or attended church when it was convenient for me, and felt like I could live my life how I pleased the rest of the time. After all, once saved always saved, right? It bothered me some, but I was so focused on me and what I could be doing to make my own life happier/better/more successful that I honestly didn't give God much time or thought.

After college graduation, I started attending church a little more frequently and once again began reading my Bible. I wanted that close relationship with God again that I once had, but I didn't seem to be able to have the peace I so wanted. I had spent so many years focusing on this elusive "dream job" that was going to make me happy, and when I still didn't feel happy after landing an awesome job with a great paycheck I felt lost. When we found out we were pregnant and Daniel got the job of his dreams in Jacksonville, I felt hopeful. Maybe that was what I needed to get me out of my rut.

For a very long time, I relied on situations to inspire my faith. On emotions. If I was happy, I sometimes pursued God. When I felt unhappy, that was when I searched for Him the most, but never felt any peace. It wasn't until after we had Logan that I felt that things changed for me. Kids have a funny way of changing you; often they change us immeasurably more than we change them. He has taught me the importance of patience, selflessness, grace, mercy, to have faith like a child, and that love covers a multitude of sins. Watching Logan (and Blake) grow has made me realize what the truly important things in life are.

On my 27th birthday I vowed to take my relationship with God seriously. He is the entire reason we are here, the entire meaning of life for us. I read a lot of Christian mom blogs written by women who have so many qualities that I wish I had - they seem to be so solid in their faith, it comes so easy to them to be close in their relationship with Him. I decided that it was silly for me to sit around and wish for that when I could so very easily have it for myself. And now here I am, a month and a half shy of my 29th birthday, and I'm so happy that I made the decision to make a conscious effort to devote time in my relationship with God. It is so much more than going to church each week, so much more than following rules, more than just simply acknowledging that Jesus is Lord. 

I'm not where I want to be, but I've come a lot farther than I imagined. He has brought me to my knees over past sin that I had pushed aside and forgotten about. He has shown me that He delights to show mercy and that He will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all of our iniquities into the depths of the sea (Micah 7:18-20). He has revealed to me the true meaning of grace, mercy, and love - and how freely He gives us these. 

This ended up being a lot more than I intended to write. It's a little scary for me to put all of this in writing; I have always been a very private person about my faith, but I felt like I should write this. 

"Come near to God and He will come near to you." James 4:8